GET DOWN WITCHU BAD SELF…………


And don’t leave too much on the table.

When I was diagnosed with cancer the doctor said my chances for a full recovery were pretty good, as long as it hadn’t spread into the lymph notes or elsewhere. Then it would be reduced considerably. I bet on the odds being good so I refused to worry about that too much. When I woke up after surgery, I learned that indeed the cancer had invaded about 40% of the nodes they had checked.

As soon as I could think past the medications, I decided I would focus my lifestyle on doing just things that I had been too reserved to do otherwise. There is something a little perversely liberating which strikes you, thinking you might not be around forever. Don’t ask me. I just write this stuff. It seemed sort of like a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card.

In my real world, having been born and raised in a small town (not exactly Sin City) there were just so many things that I hadn’t done or even considered. But, I think I just wanted to find out if I had left anything on the table. I knew that leopards didn’t really change their spots but I thought I would just do whatever I wanted to. I had absolutely nothing in mind but started honestly running through ideas that I might want to try now that I had the free card.

I had never drunk an alcoholic beverage. Stop rolling your eyes. I also had never smoked a cigarette. I didn’t do those things because I decided as a teenager that I didn’t want to go down that road. The drinking issue was pretty firmly set by some long list of uncles with drinking problems. Besides, there was not a bar in town. I know it is not a huge thing but I can drink almost a full glass of wine now. I couldn’t even try the cigarettes. There are better ways to kill yourself.

During the chemo period I tried marijuana to reduce the nausea. That wasn’t for me. It is hard to get out of your comfort zone, even when you are trying.

I tried and conquered the idea of dressing any way I wanted to and forget how old I was (am). There was no reason for me to dress my age. Any kind of swim suit was fine. It is all right to shop in the Junior Department if that is the size that actually fits you. I wasn’t on a mission to prove anything. That really is a size, not an age. Anything that looked like ‘cruise wear’ had never appealed to me. It is usually boring. Now I would wear white shoes after Labor Day if I wanted to. (Baby steps.)

My next venture was to use four letter words any time they fit. Turns out they fit really often. I got a head jerk with those. I loved it. Still do.

I lost my last gallery with the cancer so I was ready for a new job. I chose what I thought would be a total departure. I worked as a professional poker player at night. That sounded a lot more risqué that it was. It was a beautiful room with some nice people. I made a lot of new friends but they saw right thru me. They knew the real me and I was still in there, safe and sound.

I tried several other ‘edgy’ things during that time and one of them was this:

Before bed each night I loved to go for a walk. I needed to exercise to get my full strength back and liked to fill my lungs with the fresh night air before I went to sleep.

We lived on a hill at the end of a cul-de-sac with no traffic and few neighbors. It was cold out. So my new edgy self would go out alone with just a little music in my ear and walk……… That was nice but not exciting. Then I pulled out a full length mink coat that never got to leave the closet in California. But when I wore that OVER my other clothes, it was a little too warm. So I started taking off “other clothes”. With just scanty lingerie under that satin lined coat, it made the walks a lot more fun………..Of course, it was dark and quiet but it worked for me. With that get-up and the music, the walks were more meaningful. Mostly it meant that I hadn’t saved that coat for nothing. I hadn’t come up with any other reason but it put a little smile in my heart. When someone would ask, “Are you still walking at night?” Yep. “Doctor’s orders?” Nope.